There you are, probably saving another damsel from alien robots (don’t know about you, but that’s how I usually start off my days), when the first interruption appears… What’s that *DING!* you hear and where does it come from? Oh, my, you think to yourself, I have a new email… I wonder what joyous news it brings! Then, after requesting a time-out from arm-wrestling Godzilla or whatever, you bring up Outlook only to find a special, super-secret offer for that thing you never-needed, a one-time deal that lasts only until 2015 or some other message from your friendly and intrusive email marketer of choice. Having lost too many damsels because of email marketers and their shady dealings, here’s my list of the worst 5 types of offenders, in no particular order, so that you can watch out for them in the future:
Worst type of email marketer #1 – the Curious Stranger
Out of nowhere, a wild email marketer appears! You don’t know his company and aren’t really interested in one-of-a-kind sprockets, no matter if they’re scientifically proven to bring miracles! This type of email marketer gets the job done with a big ol’ list of email addresses bought with a discount from China, then using them with any and all customers. This, to your advantage, is actually illegal, so if the company seems genuine just contact them and say the magic word: pleas… erm, lawsuit (the CAN SPAM Act of 2004 has your back). I’m pretty sure they’ll reconsider their 30+ million email address list and not bother you again.
Worst type of email marketer #2 – the YELLER!!
No, I’m not referring to any ol’ dog – I’m still on the topic of email marketers (although some could be taken to the back of the shed). This is the guy that, in order to grab your attention, HAS TO SHOUT!! HE HAS TO STAND OUT!!, probably because he was raised by howler monkeys and that’s how they do things in the rainforest… He will most likely send you an incoherent mess of text, leaving you to wonder why keyboard manufacturers still include the CAPS LOCK key. SINCE ALL OF THE EMAIL WILL BE IN CAPS, he’s easy to spot straight from the subject line, so just ignore his descent into schizophrenia and delete the emails at first sight.
Worst type of email marketer #3 – the Car Salesman
Hello, new best friend! Stay and be amazed at our wonderful selection of doodads and thingamabobs, all for the low-low price of 599.99$ (first payment, without taxes; we may require your first child as deposit)! This here sprocket will baffle and amaze your family and friends, and it will only consume as much electricity as a small town… a mere village, actually! Well then, how about this thing? Or this? Or this other thing, that also comes in sunset blue and matches your beautiful eyes?!
You know this type of email marketer, don’t you? He will nag you with 3 emails before breakfast and another 10 until the end of the day, making a big fuss for each color option every item in stock has. OK, we get it! Both the Sprocket 9000 and the 9000B models come in sassy pink, you don’t have to send me an email for each one! The good news is that this email marketer will represent a real company, so just unsubscribe from the flood and never look back!
Worst type of email marketer #4 – the One With the Kid Inside
Have you ever received an email that looks like it was used as a mop on the Crayola factory floor? Primary colors, bright pinks and oranges, fonts thrown together with no regard to decency (or your lunch), all inhabiting the same email space… Yuck! These would-be email marketers never got over their finger-painting stage, so proceed with caution… there may be glittery kittens around! Just tell them sternly tat you aren’t interested in hand-crafted wicca supplies, nor in that new album of college band X. This type of marketer will surely leave your Inbox alone from then on, and may even reconsider their status as email marketers altogether (depends on the tone in your reply).
Worst type of email marketer #5 – the Loner With the Garage Sale
Ok, so your decadent part got the better of you and finally purchased a dozen cat sombreros, right? All seems fine and dandy, until Outlook starts DING!-ing like there’s no tomorrow. What do we have here? Oh, 3% off of garden hoses… and if I buy Grandma Bo’s 2-pack of Curiously Strong Magnets I also receive a week’s supply of MuscleCars Weekly?
DING! DING! DING!
Not only that if you would buy the other items you would quickly find your way on the FBI watch list, the constant chaotic flood of emails will soon take a toll on your sanity. Who are these guys and why do they sell kitchenware and intercom systems? Why do I get a discount for 2 pounds of vitamins if I buy the Lawn-minator 2012? This email marketer relies on impulse buys, so he’s both underestimating your calm, dignified approach to internet shopping and chipping away at your wallet until there’s nothing left. Cancel your order, dear reader, and learn to make your own cat sombreros – if you receive any more messages from this email marketer, be sure there’s someone holding your hand or else who knows what will arrive at your doorstep in the morning?
Well, that’s about it for my experiences with bad email marketers… Of course you can have divisions and inbreeding (the YELLING CAR SALESMAN! comes to mind), so please drop us a line either at firstname.lastname@example.org or in the comments section and tell us of your tales!
Now, if I could only find that coupon for the Original Native American Humidifier…
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